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I’m baaaaccckkk

   Well, well, well. Look who’s back: Queen Blog-Deserter. My poor neglected blog, she must hate me. She’ll probably accidentally-on-purpose delete this entry just before I’m done cuz I never up-date…never, ever. Well, I’m here now. And that would be cuz I have given up FaceBook for Lent…lol. Damn that stupid site is addicting. They all say I can’t do it, but I so can. I can cuz I have this to amuse me. Seriously, I always have so much to say, or babble about in most cases, but I just can’t find the time to do it. Probably cuz I’m always wasting time on Facebook. Lol. At least wasting time here is somewhat productive. I let out my frustrations, or just all the meaningless drivel I have stored in my brain. If I let it all out here, I feel like I’m telling somebody something, even though in reality I know no one listens to me. And you "no ones" know who you are…lol.
   So, let’s start with one of those famous severely stupid things I do. Yesterday I made the kids mac n’ cheese for lunch, and when it’s done and I’m filling their bowls I leave a few spoonfuls in the pot for me. Well, when I tasted it…..egad!! Blech!! It tasted like soap, I kid you not. I’m not sure why (at this point), maybe the pot wasn’t rinsed out very well last time I washed it so I just boiled the macaroni in soap water? Whatever the reason, it was repugnant! I threw it all out and put all those dishes in the sink and started over. So, again I tasted it and for some reason still found it a bit off, but now I’m thinkin’ maybe it’s just me. So, I gave it to the kids and watched them eat it, waiting for some sorta reaction. None. They ate it all and it was fine with them. So, of course, now I’m wondering what the hell is wrong with me that I woulda thought it tasted like soap. Then I remembered that just before I made the mac n’ cheese I had put in a load of laundry and sometimes when ya dump the soap in it’s just in the air and you can taste it a bit. Well…this happened to me before so I’m assuming someone will know what I’m talkin’ about. So, I figured that was what happened and thought that was stupid enough. However…that is not what happened. Earlier today I was havin’ some grapefruit juice and it tasted exactly like the mac n’ cheese. First thing I think is that I have some rare, freakass everything-tastes-like-soap disease. Oh good lord, I’m gonna die…and of something so bizarre! After I’m gone they’ll be talkin’ about the bizarreness on the news…then it’ll be in the tabloids "Mother of Two Dies of Freakass Everything-Tastes-Like-Soap Disease, Leaving Kids Filthy; Afraid To Use Soap", then Leno will start throwing my tragedy into his monologue. This is not cool. It took me awhile, but then it hit me! Ya know what’s leavin’ this vile taste in my mouth? Crest Pro-Health Mouth Wash!! This stuff is disgusting!! It makes things taste like SOAP!! Cold Water Tide to be exact. Ugh. So I just read the back of the bottle….directions: blah, blah, blah….do not eat or drink anything for 30 minutes after each use. WTF?!!! First of all, who actually reads these directions? Just rinse and spit. Simple as that. Unless you have fallen victim to the reconfiguring of your taste buds, normal people don’t read that crap. And second, "30 minutes??!!" More like 72 hours. And ya wanna know why it makes everything taste like you just licked out the washing machine? Cuz it contains 0.07% cetylpyridinium chloride. That’s the culprit, cuz I can’t pronounce it. So, word to the wise: DO NOT buy this crap. Heed my warning, or you’ll be sorry. Oh for the love….would you believe that 2 seconds ago there was a commercial on for Crest Pro-Health toothpaste! So of course that reminds me that when I bought the death in a bottle, it came with a bonus tube of death in paste form…good lord. When will it end?
   Another one of those stupid things I did this weekend, amazingly, has a very happy, happy, joy, joy ending. So for about the last two weeks or so I have come to the conclusion that my car is dying. It has been getting harder and harder to change gears. I put the idea in my head that I needed a new clutch. Then I decided that I needed a new transmission…ya like I’m a mechanic, or like I even know what the hell the transmission does. It just seemed like the cool thing to worry about. So, along with ailing car parts come all the usual worries: first, how in the hell much is that gonna cost me and how in the hell am I gonna pay for it, followed by who in the hell do I trust to analyze the problem and where do I take it to be fixed, and third, what in the hell do I do while it’s being fixed, what if it takes more than one day, how will I get around, just how much do I hate the bus and how much of a damn hassle would that be to get everyone to where they gotta go and pick them up on time if I had to take the damn dreaded bus? ~~sigh~~ So, on Friday I told Hank, fixer of all things, about my baby’s impending death. I described my extreme difficulty in changing gears, how my clutch just goes all the way to the floor with barely a touch and, of course, how I have completely given up on first and third gear and pretty much just drive around in second all the time, and on those occasions when I actually hafta get it into third I pretty much throw my back out ramming that damn thing into what seems like non-existant third gear. So, Hank, fixer of all things, suggests to me that I might just need to add fluid (of some sort I don’t recall cuz I was too busy laughing). Seriously, I just looked at him and said "I’m not that lucky" and proceeded to continue with all my thoughts of impending car doom. I even went as far as to almost consider buying my butthead brother’s car (the one that he has decided to park in my driveway for an undetermined amount of time cuz he has 4 vehicles and this one is just in the way….turd…). He dropped it off on Saturday, parking it in on the street. It was later in the day, when I went to move it up the driveway that I discovered that it’s an automatic. Automatics and me do not mix. The simple task of backing that sucker up the driveway reminded me of how much I hate those cars cuz I kept trying to use the brake as the clutch, making the backing-up process not a smooth one….the large amount of tire tracks goin’ up and down the driveway are evidence of that….looks like it’s been party-central around here, but really, it was just me…back and forth….stop and start, which made me go all wonky crooked…seriously, if Hoochie had been paying attention and saw this out her window it would be on YouTube right now. Anyhoo, so Hank calls me today and says to bring the beast over and he’ll take a look at it. So, we head over there, and I am expecting to hear the devasting news. He comes in the house from checking it and doing something to it and then takin’ it for a spin around the block and tells me that he added brake fluid to the clutch thingy whatever it’s called and it works just fine. I said "Shut up!"….then Mom tells me not to tell my father to shut up. No freakin’ way! I didn’t believe it. But when I went out to try it…lo and behold, she’s like a whole new car….drives like a dream! Today was my lucky day! Never under-estimate the power of Hank.
   Speaking of today being my lucky day, when I first turned on the tv today I started watching the "VH1 Top 100 Hard Rock Songs of All Time". When I started watching they were on about #69 I think. So I hogged the tv all day watching this. They played every guitar hero song, which totally put me in the mood to play that…but I ran outta time today so I might hafta do that tomorrow if I can make time before "24" comes on. It cracked me up to hear the kids say they know this song and that song…all cuz of guitar hero…lol. Everytime they came back from commercials they had this logo thing on and it showed a buncha band names…obviously ones that were part of the countdown somewhere, and, of course, I kept seeing Guns N’ Roses. Well, as the hours ticked away and the numbers kept gettin’ lower and lower I still did not hear my beloved GN’R. We get to the top 10 and at first I’m all "Woohoo GN’R’s in the top 10!". But as they keep counting down 10…9…8…7…6… and still no GN’R I’m starting to get pissed. I am now thinking that they were somewhere between #’s 100 and 70 cuz these countdowns never agree with what I know to be true: whoever I like best should be #1. This just doesn’t happen. I’m used to it by now. So I keep watching….5…4…3…2…still no GN’R. So, of course they hafta go to commercials and come back for the big kahuna. I gave up. I was actually pissed. I said "Why did I waste all day watching this crap?", "If that damn @$#%in’ Led Zepplin is #1 I will never watch this channel again!" I actually went to get out the vacuum cleaner and get something accomplished after wasting so much time. I was just reaching to unwind the cord when they came back from commercial and I heard it….I couldn’t believe it….they just went right into their intro to the #1 song with the beginning of the song playin’ in the background…that oh so sweetass tune I know all too well…the only reason I play guitar hero is to play this song….oh ya…they played it…."Welcome to the Jungle"!!!! Holy hell!!! I squealed!! Scared the crap outta Zach who was quietly playing his DS on the couch. Well, well, well, someone has finally agreed with what I know to be true: whoever I like best IS #1!!!! So, following this great moment in my day I proceeded to put on the GN’R tunes….quite loudly might I add….and sing the entire GN’R Greatest Hits Collection for the delighted audience of my kids, the cat and, against her will, the person under the stairs….lol! "You know where you are?!…You’re in the Jungle baby!!" Long live GN’R!!
   So, I do believe I have babbled on long enuf. Time to go to bed. Have a "Wonder"ful night!!
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Y&R Time

   Sorry Hoochie…no time for a blog about my adventures of the day. It’s Y&R time!! For some reason I’m so needin’ some quality time with Victor Newman right now….can’t possibly imagine why. I’ve missed 2 days in a row, oh heaven forbid, so I’m gonna go spend the next 2 hours with the black knight and friends….ttfn!!
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Hoochie’s Here!!

     Oh the joy!! My Hoochie finally got herself a Space!! I’m so gonna start hangin’ out here again. I seriously have soooo much to say. Gotta let it out!! But…I’ve gotta let it out later cuz I hafta go out for coffee and gossip now. Just wrote this quick little fake blog entry so Hoochie would have somewhere to leave a comment…lol!! Back later…
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More Tales From The Workplace

   Some days I just have stuff to say…today is one of those days. Of course, it’s all work stuff, but that’s where all the stuff happens. So, to start things off, a lotta dumbasses come into the store where I work. Actually, they all come in there. They just gravitate to that place. This afternoon I was on my way out the door when I saw this woman walkin’ in, I know she was gonna say something to me, and, of course it was gonna be dumb, but I was on a mission so I just kept on walkin’. I had just done a refund for a guy who I know was up to no good, but there was nothin’ I could do about it, so I followed him out….sometimes, all the good stuff happens outside. But I lost him in the crowd, damn it. When I came back in the dude at the door tells me he just heard the stupidest thing he’s heard yet and somehow I just knew it came from that woman. Get this: she asked him if there was anyone in the store that could go out to her car and watch her baby while she shopped for an entertainment unit. !!!!!!! I’m not kidding, she said this. So he told her we don’t have a babysitting service. ~~High five~~!! But miraculously for her, someone she knew came up to her at that very moment and she got them to go out to her car and watch her kid. Sucker! If she had asked me that question the answer woulda been:  "Yes we do. They’re called City of Edmonton Police, let me go call them for you." What a frickin’ lunatic! Then about 20 minutes later that same lunatic comes to my till…..oh lucky me….with an entertainment unit on a flatdeck and says she should get 15% off cuz she had to go get it herself. Well, fool, you usually hafta go get your stuff yourself. We don’t have personal shoppers. Now if you wanted help with that heavy mofo we could get that for you….but here’s the thing….ya gotta ask. I offered to find someone to help her take it to her car but she said she could do it. So what are you bitchin’ for? So, she paid for it and left. Thought that was the end of her, but apparently not. Later on we got a phone call that I was told was her lookin’ for a manager. Nice. I didn’t get the rest of that story, but I will. I always do.
   A little while later I was at the door when the ding dong thing went off. So the customers stopped and I asked to see their receipt. While the woman was lookin’ for it, the guy gets this look on his face and he’s lookin’ at the floor, by my feet. So, I looked down. So wish I hadn’t done that. I screamed, the woman looked where I was lookin’ and she screamed, then the guy let out some sorta noise and we’re all freakin’ out and drawin’ a lotta attention to ourselves. So the guy says "It’s just a mouse." Just a mouse. WTF?? There’s no such thing as "just a mouse". So, I looked at him, then his wife and I said at the same time, "You screamed, too." He had no comment. Hahahaha. But let me tell ya, seein’ that little beast right there in front of me is a frightful sight that keeps replaying over and over in my mind. He was a super-fat little mofo, all brown and chubby. And his fat butt bounced from side to side as he squiggled his way across the floor. Kinda reminds me of that scene in "Stand By Me" when Gordy is telling the story of the pie-eating contest and when Lard Ass walks across the stage everyone in the audience says "boom ba ba, boom ba ba". Creepy little bugger. I’m probably gonna have nightmares about him.
   Later on, back at my till, I’m tellin’ Cute and Desperate about my trauma while she’s payin’ for her stuff at the other till and she tells me about some trauma of her own. But I just can’t stop laughin’ at this one….I guess I can cuz it didn’t happen to me. She’s not laughing. Not long ago some guy came up to her at the fabric cutting table and asked her to measure his pants for a zipper….he was wearing the pants. Hahahahahahahaha!!! He started getting ready…..adjusting things…..hahahahaha……she gave him the measuring tape so he could do it himself. Hahahahahaha! Oh the things that don’t happen in that place.
    But there are some good things that happen there, too. Like the PA not working all day. Oh yes, that was a good thing. After an entire day of not being able to use the PA in a very large store I was in the back with Naomi near the end of my shift and this guy keeps wandering back and forth past the doorway to Claims. Whatever. No one’s gonna question this. Our damn store is under renovations and there are strange people in there everyday doin’ somethin’. He kept goin’ into the electrical room and there’s nothin’ to steal in there, so he musta been workin’. Then he comes over to us and asks if I can make a test page for him. Oh, so he’s the PA guy. And now that we actually look at him it’s more like Oooooohlala, he’s the PA guy. You want me to page somethin’ for ya, Dude, no problem. So I did, he left. Then he came back and I did it again, then he left. I was paging "Naomi call 199", so this drew another associate’s attention cuz she knows "Naomi" isn’t her real name, that’s just what Chuck calls her cuz he can’t remember her name, and now that’s what we call her "bimbo name". So there are now three of us gals back there giggling and the PA guys comes back and asks me to page again. This went on for a few minutes, with him going here and there to listen for the pages. Then he comes back and says to me "Are you busy?". Hahahahahahaha. Do I look busy? I am soooo goofin’ off right now and he knows it. I just laughed and said "Uh, no. I’m really not." So then he says "Can we go for a walk?" With you, Dude, of course. So I headed out, leaving those two gigglers to their gossip and rumors. So we started goin’ around the store and paging from every phone to see if you can hear it. So after walking halfway around the store, paging myself from every phone along the way I woulda thought someone would ask me what the hell I was doing. The PA was working in the back half of the store, but not loud enuf at the front, so there were a lotta people who heard me doing this. Not one person said anything. What the hell? So I asked my favoritest in the bedding department when I walked back through there a little while later if she heard any of that and she said "Ya, I just thought you were up to another one of your jokes or something." Hahahahahaha. No one takes me seriously.  On my way out not too long after all this I stopped back in Claims again and Naomi was all fulla comments. "Oh so did ya have fun with the hot PA guy?" Uh, yes I did. But the best part is, when I was leaving, it still wasn’t working…….maybe the hot PA guy will be back tomorrow. Dare to dream.
   Anyhoo, before I sign off for the day, I mentioned in my last blog that I was gonna make a list of all the cool movies and all the crapass movies, according to me, of course. I was gonna do this for the benefit of Cute and Desperate and the Receiving Dude who keeps forgetting to let me page for eggs and yogurt when the deliveries come in…….I am the queen of the PA (just ask the hot PA guy), don’t deny me my rights!…..but I realized that this has already been done, it’s on www.flixster.com, and Flixster is also on my Facebook page, so they can check it out there. And just about every one of those movies will come up saying "consider divorce" when their lists are compared to mine, cuz they watch some serious crap. Seriously….. Braveheart ….~~blagh~~….. British crap like Monty Python……~~blagh~~…. and yes, I can say that even though I’ve never watched it cuz that would be the reason I haven’t watched it, it’s too blagh. Anyhoo, I just had to point out that I didn’t forget about that, I just came to my senses and realized that it’s already done.
Have a "Wonder"ful day!
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I hate my job

   Well, well, well. Look who came back to the blogging world. I think I say every single day "That is sooo goin’ on my blog" about something. Too bad I never actually come here and write that stuff down cuz I’m sure it was good stuff. This could be the best blog ever if only I would update it…hahaha.


   So anyhoo, a million crappy things have been goin’ on at work. My list of people to kill changes about every 20 minutes while I’m there. The customers are getting bitchier every day and the people I work with seem to be getting stupider, if that’s a word, and I don’t think it is, but I don’t care. It’s my blog, I’ll write what I want. So we’re in the process of training a whole crapload of new people in customer service. This doesn’t actually mean these people are new to the company, just new to this area. But you’d think they were born yesterday. I feel like I am constantly running 2 tills, sometimes all 3. I’m helping a customer at my own till, but I’m constantly being interrupted to answer questions for whoever is running the other till(s). K, I do realize that I know everything so this is the natural way…..ask she who knows all….but it is seriously stressing me out and I just feel like venting about it. After I get it all out maybe I’ll feel better….hahaha, doubt it. These are the kinda stupid questions they ask:
"She only bought this half an hour ago and she has her receipt, but it’s like $100000000000, do I still give her cash back?"
~~~No, you see that guy, third in line? You credit it back to his VISA card.    ?????
"This guy wants to speak to a manager."
(K, so that’s not exactly a question, but when they say that and then just stare at you, it becomes one.)
~~~So you direct him to hardware and tell him to stand by the toilet seats ’til exactly 3:17pm and one will magically appear.
"I’m outta two’s and loonies."
~~~K, holy hell. You’ve been a cashier for 6 months. What the hell did you do when you ran outta change when you were on till 17? Same crap over here.
"She got charged twice for this, what should I do?"
~~~Well, well, well. Payback’s a bitch. About 3 times a day when you’re on a till you overcharge people for something and I hafta fix it….now it’s your turn. Tell her she hasta go get another one; there’s nothin’ you can do about it.
    AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! Make it stop!!!

   Now on to the stupidest people in the world…..the customers! I could go on and on and on and on about these mofos but I’ll try to limit myself. The other day this fat old bitch is next in line so I said, "Can I help you over here?"
"Well, I don’t know. You’re in a bad mood today."
???????….where in the hell did that come from????
"No I’m not."
"Yes you are."
K, how old are you? 2? Well, if that’s how you wanna play….
"No….I’m not."
"Oh yes….you are."
"Well, would you like someone else to help you then?"
K, that was the most ingenious thing I have ever come up with, cuz the only other person in there was one of the newbies with a million questions…..mwahahahaha, so let’s use that to my advantage.
"No, I have a purchase order I need rang through, you can do it."
I looked at the thing. Not one I’ve seen before. Time to play dumb…..everyone else does, so I’m just joining the rest…
"Well, I’ve never seen that kind before, I’ll have to check with someone."
"My you really are in a bad mood."
"K, no I’m not, but since you think I am, I will let someone else help you."
And I pushed her stuff over to the next till and said "She’ll be with you in a minute.", looked at the next person in line and said, "Can I help you over here?"
These fools will never learn not to mess with me. But here’s the best part. I helped about 5 or 6 other people while she waited. Mwahahahaha. So, I left to take some stuff to the back of the store, and on my way there another lady came up to me and said "Ya know Sweetie (ya gotta love that), that woman up there was just a nasty miserable bitch. You didn’t deserve that. And good for you for not serving her with that attitude of hers. Some people. You did a great job. I always come to you cuz you’re the fastest and you know what you’re doing. So keep up the good work." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, well, well. Maybe they’re not all out to get me after all. That made my day. We had a good laugh over that old fool for a few minutes.
   So the next day I get an even better one. I was cleaning up some stuff in the cupboards, not even at my till, when my supervisor comes by and says "Can you ring this in here, it needs an override, change it to $99.88." OK, whatever. I heard her talking to that customer a few minutes before and knew they were doing a price check. So, since it was a grandfather clock it was huge and on a flatdeck, so I took the scanner, walked around the till and scanned it. Of course it still rings in at $129.97, I haven’t done the override yet, that’s seems pretty obvious to me. But this old woman freaks out, "It’s still ringing up at the wrong price!". OK, you’re old and stupid, that might not even be your fault. Just so ya know, Harry Potter doesn’t work here. So of course it is still that price until I do the work to change it. That is done in a few simple steps, but you hafta give me a few seconds to do them. So I said (and I said it nicely, might I add) "Just a second, I still have to get the override on it." That’s it. That’s all I said. I didn’t tell her how old and stupid she was, that part was inside my head. So, I did what I had to do, got the supervisor to do her magic key-turnin’ thing and voila…..$99.88. It only took a few more seconds. So I then told her the total and she paid and all was good. Or so I thought. When I was done with her I went back to what I was doing. A few minutes later I heard the supervisor talking to that woman’s daughter, who was old, too…….old people bug me lately, so I hafta point out that all these fools are old….. I didn’t think anything of it. Seriously, why would I? So when she left the supervisor comes up to me and says "Did you hear that?" so I said "No." So she tells me the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard in awhile, and that’s gotta be something cuz they get more bizarre every day: That old woman was out in her car crying cuz of the way I talked to her………………..????????????????????? What in the bloody hell? All I said to her was: "Just a second, I still have to get the override on it." Neither one of us could figure out where in the hell that came from. She was standing right there and heard what I said and she didn’t think there was anything wrong with it. So, my new claim to fame is that I made an old lady cry. Damn I can’t wait ’til I’m an old woman…..payback’s a bitch!!!  It’s no wonder I drink myself into oblivion every night. 

   So, that’s a buncha the crap that I hafta deal with every day. It’s a wonder I still work there. For the past week and for the next one, too, my partner in crime; the one person I work with almost everyday and just about the only other one who knows anything around there is on holidays. I gave her a huge hug last Friday before she left and told her I will miss her terribly…..cuz I’m sure I’m gonna get fired before she comes back. So far I’ve made it halfway, but it wasn’t easy. It’s gonna take a lotta tongue-biting and a lotta alcohol to make it through one more week. Can I do it? I seriously doubt it.

   Well, that was some good bitchin’. But enuf of that. I got into a "discussion" about movies with a few of the only people I can tolerate in that hell hole in which I work. So I said I’d make a list of all the good movies and all the bad movies and post it on here this weekend. Of course, this is MY list. Their lists would just be such ridiculous crap they wouldn’t be allowed on the internet……this would probably be becuz they’re old, too….hahahahaha, anyone older than me is old. So, when I come back later tonight I will have these lists. But right now I’m off on a beaver spotting expedition. It is my dream and one of my goals in life to see a real live beaver. The beaver is one of the national symbols of our country, but I have yet to see one. I don’t and will not believe that they really exist until I do. I have seen and taken pictures of evidence that suggest they exist, but for all I know that’s all just a set-up to see if I’m that gullible. Someone out there is just randomly placing beaver-gnawed trees in my path to mess with my mind. But it would make me oh so happy to prove myself wrong on this one. Sooooo, I’m off to find a beaver!!



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Happy Birthday To Me

      Hey! K, so I haven’t been here in eons….what else is new? Actually, I was here a few days ago. Did an amusing entry on some psychopath who came into work claiming to be a doctor: "I’m here! I’m Dr. Simon! Where’s the child?….I got a call on my wireless about a child that fell out of a cart and is turning blue. I got here in 7 minutes!" What the hell?? You freak. If such a thing had happened I do believe we woulda called 911, not "Dr. Simon". The drunken fool ended up getting his ass kicked outta the store. Hahahaha. Then I went on and on about the ridiculous crap people buy for their dogs. Some fool actually bought a bath robe for their dog. On top of that I threw in the fact that I don’t particularly like dogs…I’m so a cat person. So, on and on I blogged, letting it all out. It felt good to be back. But then, I did something galactically stupid and the whole thing disappeared. What a waste. It was quite an amusing little rant. Sorry you missed it.
   So, today was my birthday. Oh the joy. I don’t enjoy getting old. I’ve claimed to be the same age for the last 8 years….and people believe me. Fools. At work you can’t hide from your birthday, those fools announce it at the morning meeting….thank God I wasn’t there for that. So all day long people keep wishing you a happy birthday whether you like it or not. When it’s everyone else’s birthday I get on the PA all day long and remind people. That’s just what I do. No one dared to do that to me today…..well, not for most of the day. Then, with about 2 hours left to go some brave but foolish individual did the unspeakable. That brave but foolish individual is now on my list of people to kill….#’s 1-11…..on a list of 10. But something very cool did happen at work today. About two weeks ago we got a new store manager. He’s from Georgia. People from Georgia say "y’all"….a lot. I love that. I’m actually obsessed with it lately. I’ve become a huge fan of "Paula’s Home Cooking" on the Food Network. That is the sweetest woman I have ever seen….and she says "y’all" all the time….cuz she’s from Georgia. So, when I heard our new manager was coming from there I got very excited about hearing "y’all" all day long. Can you believe I hadn’t heard it once in the last two weeks? It seems that everyone else had. But I’m the one who really wanted to hear it, and no "y’alls" for me. So this morning I was talking to one of the gals and commented on this tragic fact. So she says she’s gonna get him to come say it to me for my birthday. I laughed and told her to go for it, that would make my day. I pretty much thought it was a joke. Hours went by and the conversation was forgotten. So, I’m innocently minding my own business when I feel this towering presence behind me. I turned around and looked up, waaaay up, at the new manager standing behind me….he’s very tall. I said "hi". He said, "So, whater ya doin’? Makin’ a poster?" (he had some technical management kinda term for it, but I can’t remember it, basically it was a poster). So I showed it to him and he says "So that’s how Y’ALL do it up here." Aaaaahhh! Yay!!! Finally!! But I was immediately suspicious. So I just looked at him. So he said it again. I just started laughing. I looked over and saw her standing right behind us. "She told you to say that didn’t she?" He just laughs. When he left I gave her a big hug and I called her my favoritest all day. Such simple little things amuse me. That totally made my day.
    My only friend came over tonight and brought cupcakes….and the greatest present ever. First, the cupcakes. She got them at this funky cupcake place by her work. I got a red velvet cake one called the "Scarlett O’Hara"…..she’s from Georgia, too. As God is my witness I am so gonna go there someday. Now, the present. Oh my God!! This is just about the coolest thing this side of Georgia. Are you ready for this? Gentlemen, start your engines!  "Jeff Gordon Fan Barbie"!!!!!!!!!! Barbie’s in her tight jeans and cowboy boots, wearing a Jeff Gordon t-shirt and a DuPont jacket, waving a NASCAR checkered flag. How totally freakin’ cool is that?? Shannanan, you’re the best!!
   Now, I so hafta share another tale from the workplace. Severe stupidity must be shared. So, I was just gonna go for lunch yesterday when this woman who had been standing over to the side gets the next guy in line to let her go next, under the impression, I’m sure, that she was just gonna ask a question. So, I put up my "closed" sign and asked how I could help her. She asks me when the next bus comes. Yes, the sign above the counter says "Customer Service", but that means we will help you with store-related issues. How you get home is not my concern. So I said I didn’t know. Cuz I didn’t know. I don’t take the bus. I have a car. I get rather pissed off when I get stuck behind a bus, but that’s about as much attention as I pay to them. So she looks rather annoyed. "Don’t you have a bus schedule?" We don’t. Why would we? We are not the bus terminal. So I told her we don’t. We do have the number for BusLink, but I think that’s for the employees who take the bus. I did offer to give her that, but that wasn’t good enuf. So she said, "Well, I missed the bus, so I hafta return all this stuff." By ‘all this stuff’ she meant a helluva lotta stuff. Now, what missing the bus and returning all that stuff had to do with one another I did not know. I musta looked confused….which I was….cuz she added "If I hafta walk to the nearest bus terminal I can’t carry all that. I don’t have a car." Well, dumbass, of course you don’t have a car, if you did you wouldn’t be whining about the bus. So I again offered the phone number. Again she said she couldn’t carry it all. Fool. Are you listening to me? Giving you the phone number will tell you when the next bus comes, so you can haul all your crap onto it and take it home. Quite frankly, I can’t imagine how she planned on pullin’ that one off anyway. There’s no way in hell she coulda taken all those bags in her arms in one trip to get onto the bus. And I’d be amazed if some bus driver would wait for her to take two, possibly three trips back and forth and take up about 3 seats. So she now insists on returning it all. Great. This took me about 20 minutes….and I’m very fast, people tell me this all the time, so that’s not just my opinion. So, here’s the thing that really pissed me off. By the time I refunded all that crap….checked the UPC, found the item on the 3-mile long receipt, crossed it off, scanned it, put it to the side….and there were a lotta small things….she coulda been hoppin’ on the next bus!! I swear, stupidity should be out-lawed!
   Well, that was fun. It’s been a long time since I rattled on and on here. But I’m gonna quit while I’m ahead today. I don’t wanna lose it all again. That really pissed me off. And I’m not in the mood to be pissed off tonight. It’s time for Barbie and I to head upstairs where I’ll put here on top of the tv so I see her first thing in the morning. We’re gonna go watch the Y&R before we go to sleep….damn that show is gettin’ good. Later!
Have a "Wonder"ful night!
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It’s c-c-cold outside

   Well, will wonders never cease….even from "Wonder" woman. Can you believe this? It’s only been 10 days and I’m blogging again. I must be coming down with something. So, once again I’m just in the mood to blab. Not really sure if I even have much to say.
    It’s snowing outside and it’s cold. And it’s just gonna get colder….Anne Marie Sweeney, also know as The Weather Whore, just said so and I believe her. She wouldn’t lie to me, I’m her #1 fan. So, I braved the cold earlier and went out to put up the blue Christmas lights around the livingroom window. I didn’t get around to it 9 days ago like I was sposta. Damn, cuz it wasn’t so cold then, but me and my handy dandy heavy duty stapler and the wobbley ladder that I got from Hank got the job done. Tomorrow I’ll do the green lights around the patio doors and hopefully the beautiful multi-colored ones wrapped in pine garland around the front door, too so I don’t freeze my ass off, cuz when Anne Marie Sweeney says it’s gonna get colder every day she means it. Besides, I wanna get that done so I can put up the tree on the weekend. Oh falala! I got two new Jeff Gordon ornaments at the Mart today for my Jeff Gordon tree. How falala is that? And I soooo can’t wait to put up my new pink, yes I said pink, tree!! It even has pink lights on it!! It’s just a little table top one, I’m gonna put it in my bedroom cuz I really enjoy making that room all pink and girly. The bastard just loves that….hahaha!
   We watched Ice Age The Meltdown tonight. I just love that movie, especially Scrat. He’s hilarious. Poor little guy…will he ever get that nut? I also bought the new dvd from the show "6teen", it’s called "Deck the Mall". I totally love that show. It’s a cartoon about 6 teens who are 16…..great name , eh?….hahahaha….and they all have jobs at the mall after school. Sooo funny. I think that dvd was more for me than the kids….hahaha. I let the boys watch one episode in their room before bed instead of a story tonight, and of course, I snuggled into the new bunk beds with ’em and watched it, too. Speaking of bunk beds, I thought they were such a great idea, at first. Grandma and Grandpa bought them for the boys’ birthdays. They’re "Spiderman" blue and the boys just love ’em….ya, that’s cuz they’re only 2 and 5 so they don’t hafta make the beds themselves. Not that they could, it’s ridiculously difficult. You hafta crawl up on the top bunk and try not to whack your head on the ceiling and straighten out the blankets and tuck them in, sorta. Then you hafta go down to the bottom bunk and lie and your back and reach up and pull the part you tucked in at the top so it’s neat. This takes a ridiculous amount of time….and that’s only making the bed with the sheets and blankets already on it. I’m soooo (extreme sarcasm) looking forward to tomorrow, it’s clean sheets day!! Good thing I have a short shift at work, cuz I’m gonna need the extra time. I only do this cuz my kids are super cute. They’d be sleepin’ on the floor if they were homely little monsters from hell……kidding!
  K, so I’ve been sitting here for awhile. Blogging a bit, then chatting a bit, back and forth, and the whole time I’ve probably heard the Weather Whore say how cold it’s gonna be tomorrow about 5 times (I left the tv on The Weather Network and I’m just too lazy and cold to go over to the couch and get the remote control to change it). And everytime she says it I get colder just thinkin’ about it. My fingers and toes feel like ice cubes! K, that’s probably also cuz the puter is in a bad spot near an outside wall and after you sit still here for awhile when it’s cold out you do get very cold, but I just wanna blame Anne Marie Sweeney. So, now that I’m chilled to the bone and probably won’t warm up for hours, I do think it’s time to go put on some snuggly pj’s and climb into my nice warm bed.
   Oh!!! Being so cold just reminded me of something! The greatest thing I could possibly do!! I put a remote control on the outdoor Christmas lights. So I don’t hafta go outside and all the way around to the back to unplug ’em…which I don’t think I would even do tonight…I’d just leave ’em on. Hahahaha! But I can do it from what should be the warmth of my livingroom. Oh the joy of technology!!
   Well, I’m outta here. Have a "Wonder"ful night!!
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Hot chocolate and Christmas lights

   K, so I’m so in one of those "I-Have-A-Whole-Lot-To-Say-About-A-Whole-Lotta-Nothing" kinda moods. I’ve been babbling on and on to the bastard and I’ve come to realize that he’s just tuning me out. He throws in a "mmm-hmm" and a "ya" here and there, but they’re not comin’ in at times when such general comments would even make the slightest bit of sense. Fool, I know what’s goin’ on, and don’t think you won’t pay for that. Mwahaha.
   So, I just made some hot chocolate….mmmmmm. But not just any hot chocolate. Oh no. This is the superdeedooper good stuff. It’s dark chocolate! Oh the joy! And not only is dark chocolate my favoritest, but I keep reading that it’s good for you!!! (in moderation). It’s a dream come true! If you don’t already know this, the secret to making the best hot chocolate is the method. Ya gotta whip it up with the hand-held blender. The number one rule when using the hand-held blender is always have the blender firmly planted at the bottom of the container cuz if ya don’t you’re gonna make a helluva mess. I’m sure you can see where this going. After making hot chocolate using this time-tested-to-perfection method about a million times, I, for some reason, failed to follow the number one rule. So, my sweet-ass Poohjamas that say "hot chocolate" all over them not only say "hot chocolate", they now contain actual hot chocolate. Damn it.
   I’m startin’ to feel really falala. ‘Tis the season! I spent all day Friday twisting "violet" lights around pine garland and hanging it above the Customer Service desk where I work. Then I hung icicles and snowflakes from it. It’s sooo festive! Oh the joy!! So, technically, those lights are purple, but everyone keeps sayin’ they look pink!! Nothing could thrill me more! Oh, and get this. The other day I was babbling about borrowing my dad’s ladder to put the lights up outside around our livingroom window which is at the back of our house, but it looks out onto a school field and a playground so lotsa people will see ’em, and the bastard says "Why don’t we put some up around the patio doors, too?"!!!!!!!!!!!! I wasn’t gonna push it cuz I’m all "Falala" and he’s usually all "Bah Humbug", but this was his idea!! So I said "Hell ya!! Bring it on!" Oh the extreme excitement and joy!! So I already bought some before he changes his mind. I’m gonna try to put ’em up tomorrow if the weather isn’t too bad. Someone said it’s gonna be c-c-cold, so we’ll see. I’ll go see what Anne-Marie Sweeney hasta say about that. If the Weather Whore says it’s gonna be c-c-cold, then I believe her. I love the Weather Network!! It can be so addicting.
   Anyhoo, I know this was short but sweet, but I hafta go. Desperate Housewives has already started and I’ve missed 7 minutes!!! Oh for shame!! But before I go I’ve just gotta give a shout out to Penny….I know you’re checkin’ out the latest in my world of sarcasm and meaningless drivel, a little birdie told me so….hahaha! And the word on the street is the big boss of the "crap" department is cute and desperate!! Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!
   Have a "Wonder"ful night!!!
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There’s nothin’ like a shiny new stapler

   Well, this time it’s been three weeks since I’ve been here. Not as good as last time, that was two weeks, but better than the usual four. I do have things to blog about every day, just no time to do it. I’m sure I can’t remember the last 21 days worth of my sarcastic views of the world or all the simple little things that amuse me so much, but I’ll try.
   So, first things first. I thought gettin’ tickets to GN’R was the greatest thing that coulda happened three Saturdays ago. Oh no. Things got even better, if you can imagine that. I "sorta" achieved one of my long-time goals in life. Ya see, the bastard and I took the boys out to the park cuz it was a bee-a-oo-tiful Fall day. We went to McDonald’s drive-thru and took it to Hawrelak Park and ate it while we watched squirrels running around in the trees around us. Then we went for a walk through the trees and then along the edge of the lake. Now, this park is right by the river, so that explains how I saw what I saw. It was just starting to get dark….damn it all, cuz this made it impossible to take a picture….and the kids were a few steps ahead of us. All of a sudden something came scootin’ out of a big hole at the edge of the lake right in front of Zach and it made him jump, then it went into the water. When it swam away, that’s when we knew what it was. A beaver!!! I have been on the hunt to see a real live beaver face to face for years! When I realized what it was I squealed with delight….oh yes I did, I don’t make these things up….and that scared the poor little buck-toothed miracle of God back under the water, not to be seen again for about 10 minutes. And yes, I waited. It was the beaver I’d been waiting for, I wasn’t gonna be satisfied with such a quick glimpse. So, I can now say that I’ve seen a beaver, but it was dark so I didn’t exactly look him in the eye. But some day it will happen.
   My only friend, Shannanan, has to hire someone at work to fill the position of "Manager of Real Estate Co-ordination". Probably not such a daunting task if she had any idea what the hell that is. So, if anyone out there has had aspirations of becoming a Manager of Real Estate Co-ordination, let me know, I’ll hook you up. Or if you just have the first clue as to what such a job would entail that information would be greatly appreciated.
   Now for the great news from my own workplace. This is so gonna blow you away. It amazes even me how such a simple thing that anyone else would just take for granted has brought me such joy. K, so on Monday I was working in Customer Service, as I am known to do, when I noticed one of the other girls banging the stapler on the counter and then trying to shove things inside it to get out a twisted staple that was stuck inside. Well, it is somehow unofficially my job to fix these things, so I took it from her and proceeded to do the same thing; bang it on the counter and shove things in there. Apparently this was sposta work for me even though it wouldn’t work for her. Uh ya no. Not happening. But I did give it a valiant effort….about 15 minutes worth. Anything to waste time. I finally came to the conclusion that stapler had stapled it’s last staple. Now, ya hafta understand, we’ve had these same staplers for years. They always get stuck, but we always fix ’em. We just do. But for some odd reason, just outta the blue, this time, when I had to face the inevitable….the loss of one of our own….I just picked up the phone and called the back office and asked them to order us three new staplers. They said "Sure." Just like that. What the hell. Years of stapler anxiety solved in mere seconds. Quite frankly I’m still a little in awe of the whole thing. But there’s more. As I stood there in utter amazement of what I had just accomplished I made an observation. One of the Scotch tape dispensers was missing….again. Fools. Someone in that store is constantly taking our tape dispensers. Then the light bulb goes on…ya know, the one above my head…..lol. Since it was so freakishly easy the first time, let’s try that again. So I picked up the phone and called the back office again and asked if they could also order us three new tape dispensers. "Sure. I won’t finalize the supply order ’til this afternoon, so if you think of anything else let me know." What the freakin’ bloody hell is up with this!!? I spend about one seventeenth of my time there hunting down the fool who has taken my tape without my written consent. This was just too easy, suspicious really. I spent the rest of the day telling anyone who would listen about my eagerly anticipated new staplers. Of course no one was as enthused as I was, but whatever. So, when I came in to work on Thursday my partner in Customer Service crime says that she has something for me. I had momentarily forgotten about the almighty staplers, so I was intrigued. Ooooh, what could it be? Then a buncha fool customers came up and we had to help them so I had to wait. Damn them. Finally, they’re gone. She opens up the cupboard by her till and brings out a box and hands it to me. She says "They came in yesterday but you weren’t here so I saved them for you." I let out such a squeal!! Oh they’re so beautiful; so shiny and new. And the tape dispensers are all black and free of sticky guck and they all have the tape roll holder thingy intact, instead of the ones I am constantly making out of rolled up paper. It’s like I have a whole new job. LOL!! Ya know, since we got these exquisite new supplies, no one has pissed me off around there. New office supplies can be so fulfilling.
   The reason I wasn’t at work on Wednesday was cuz I had volunteered to go with my son’s kindergarten class on there first field trip. We went to the pumpkin patch. Oh the joy! When we first got there we went on a hay ride. As we rode around the farm we passed all these homemade scarecrows that they had placed among the trees and along the fences. Well, my son and another boy thought they were zombies….lol! Someone is watching too much tv. So they kept yelling out "There’s another zombie!" Hahahaha. Then we went through a haunted house, then to pet some sheep, goats and turkeys. After that we went through a corn maze….so cool. This one was just a little one for kids, but they have a huge one there, too. I so wanna go in a big one and get lost in there. Then we went inside one of the greenhouses for a puppet show….and cookies. We then went through a hay bale maze. That’s when it started to snow. The big fluffy fake-lookin’ snow like they use on Days of Our Lives. It was sooo cool. We saw how pumkins grow on the vine in another greenhouse, then all the kids got to pick out their own little pumpkin to take home. They all had so much fun. Oh, and I got to meet my son’s girlfriend! Hahaha. Well, according to him she isn’t, but according to her, she is. My group that I was supervising consisted of four kids and of course, these two were put together. Their teacher thought that was funny. So I wanted to take a picture of my group standing in front of the corn maze. They were all standing there nicely, but as soon as I pushed the button she leans over and puts her arm around Brady. Hahahaha. Sneaky little thing she is. When we were getting back on the bus later I asked Brady if he wanted to sit beside me cuz he looked tired, like most of them did, and I thought he could lean on me and take a nap since it’s an hour back to the school. Well she had other plans. "No, Brady’s gonna sit with me." And that was that. He sat with her. Good thing they’re only 5 so I find this amusing. Try that when you’re 16 missy, see what I hafta say about it then.
   Last week both of my boys had birthdays. Brady turned 5. Wow, time flies. I stayed up waaay too late the night before his birthday making cupcakes for him to take to school. I made chocolate cupcakes with chocolate icing with white spider webs on top with vanilla icing, then I put a spider on top made out of an Oreo cookie with licorice legs and mini M&M eyes. They were so cute. I can’t believe I didn’t take a picture of them. Then three days later Zach turned 2. He’s actually been 2 for about six months, but now it’s official; his age matches his attitude and his favorite word: "No." They don’t call ’em the Terrible Twos for nothing.
   Well, it’s very late and sitting here all alone watching "The Shining" has seriously freaked me out. "Redrum…..redrum!!" Nice. And now I hafta go upstairs all alone and be scared all alone cuz the bastard is working outta town. Damn him. Good thing I’m really tired now, so maybe I’ll just fall asleep and forget about it…..or maybe I’ll have nightmares. Aaah! Bloody hell, I hafta go to brunch with the old ladies in about 8 hours. I’d better go get some sleep.
   Have a "Wonder"ful weekend!!
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